remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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