Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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