I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
