Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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