hell yes lets make some ravioli
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
