I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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