Soap is not a condiment
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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