that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
