Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
