i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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