how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize