i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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