Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
