WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
