I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
