mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
