so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
