I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
