just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just gift wrapped bread.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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