dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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