Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
