I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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