she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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