if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just gargled with NyQuil
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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