did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
