Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
