I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
