I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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