I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
