I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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