i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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