Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
