I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
