just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
