She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
