Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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