I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I wish there were birth control emojis
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
