when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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