You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Houston, we have a squirter
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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