I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
