It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
