so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
