please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
