I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
