Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
