capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We had sex on a dog bed..
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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