no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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