My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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