You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
