My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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