how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
