sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My feet surprised me
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize