I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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