I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize