Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
