I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
