Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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