No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
