hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
