Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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