What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
