I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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