I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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