In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
