Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
